Summer jobs for the Senators
We're in a bit of a different place this season, and the Ottawa Senators players will have an extended vacation over the summer this year. In order to supplement their measly incomes, it's only rational that the Sens players will look into temporary summer employment suited to their individual skill sets. So here are recommendations for everyone on the roster, in completely random order; but please, submit your own suggestions, because I'm sure the players would appreciate the ideas.
1. Nick Foligno: Foligno likes to jump. A lot. There was the Foligno Leap, but he also often tries to jump over defencemen when he's breaking in on one-on-ones or even one-on-fives. So, particularly given Ottawa's history in the lumber industry, I think it's only fitting Foligno becomes a logdriver. Plus it means that I'll get to link to he'll get to relate to this video:
2. Chris Campoli: Anything's better than playing for the New York Islanders. Garbage man? Cow sperm milker? OC Transpo bus driver? Those are probably his first, second, and third choices.
3. Chris Kelly: Data entry clerk. It's really boring, but he's really good at it.
4. Jason Smith: Kevlar vest for an Ottawa police officer. He stops pucks with his face, why not bullets?
5. Jason Spezza: Spezza should be a motivational speaker at an insomnia clinic, encouraging affected persons to Dare to Dream. It will dovetail nicely with his current Jubilee Jewellers advertising campaign, and he's already used to working with guys who look like they're falling asleep on the job.
For the rest of the team, click 'Read more' to take the jump.
6. Jarkko Ruutu: Ruutu's got a talent for pissing people off, and he seems to have a good time doing it. So I think he should get a job with the Opinion Search telephone survey company, and intentionally request the Sunday-at-dinnertime shift.
7. Brian Elliott: He's so used to being shit on for mistakes other people make, Elliott's got what it takes to become an unpaid intern at Nortel Networks. It may not help him pay the bills, but the experience will be valuable as he works towards becoming a starting goaltender in Ottawa's unforgiving media environment.
8. Jesse Winchester: We still don't really know who Winnie is or what kind of personality he has, so he should pick up the city's most common career: Public servant. He'll be a cog in the wheel, probably capable of more responsibility, but not forced into it.
9. Alex Picard: Fill in for Antoine Vermette in filming French-language car commercials for the Ottawa-Gatineau region. Hey, someone's got to do it.
10. Dany Heatley: Since Heatley's already a published author, he should work on his next book: Dany Heatley and the Sorceror's Hockey Stick. It's like Roy MacGregor's Screech Owl series meets J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. Look for it in stores in two weeks.
11. and 12. Anton Volchenkov and Chris Phillips: Have been cast as Rocksteady and Bebop (respectively) in the upcoming live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, TMNT 4: The Secret of the Secret of the Ooze: The Return of the Shredder. It'll be a good one.
13. Chris Neil: Construction?
14. Pascal Leclaire: Cast as Cindy Lou Who in the upcoming live-action sequel to How the Grinch Stole Christmas, entitled How the Grinch Stole Boxing Day.
15. Christoph Schubert: Schubert's got all it takes to be a supply teacher who can teach a couple different subjects, but never gets called in so he sits at home Skyping Andrej Meszaros.
16. Shean Donovan: Stunt double for Nathan Fillion during the filming of the TV show Castle. It'll be an easy job, because the show sucks the main character is a mystery novelist (read: the male version of Angela Lansbury from Murder, She Wrote).
17. Alex Auld: He's planning on kidnapping Larry O'Brien, flipping his ears out, and assuming the mayorship of the City of Ottawa. Comes with a great paycheque and a nice apartment.
18. Brendan Bell: Starts the Brendan Bell Reality Tour, taking riders to Bell Canada, Bellwood Mobile Homes Park, Bell High School, and the rest of the Ottawa attractions which bear his name.
19. Filip Kuba: Fluffer for Ottawa's booming porn industry. He gets a lot of assists, but rarely scores, so it's pretty perfect.
20. Mike Fisher: Rodeo clown; Think about it. Carrie Underwood can sing the national anthem, and Fisher can bodycheck angry bulls so those sissy bullriders don't get impaled.
21. Brian Lee: Isn't it obvious? Lee has the fresh-faced look that makes him well-suited to be a stand in for Preston Bailey in the filming of the upcoming Children of the Corn made-for-TV movie.
22. Mike Comrie: Comrie doesn't have to do anything. Maybe he'll go on tour with Hilary Duff and hold her purse while she shops for clothes or makes red-carpet appearances.
23. Cody Bass: What's a job where someone might not get hurt? Sofa tester? No, the recliners would injure him. Hammock tester? No, he'd fall out. Shit... this is hard. Pillow factory worker? As long as he works in the fluff storage warehouse and stays away from the sewing machines, that should be fine.
24. Ryan Shannon: He's the Flash, the superhero. I mean... he's already that, so it's not really a summer job, but it qualifies.
25. Daniel Alfredsson: Stand-in for God. Hey, the Big Guy needs a break, too, and who better than Alfie to fill in for him?