Official Pitch To Future Free Agent Dougie Hamilton

Please come to Ottawa, Dougie

After Brandon’s weighing of whether or not Zach Hyman would be a fit with the Ottawa Senators, here’s Beata’s best attempt at convincing marquee free agent Dougie Hamilton to bring his talents to the nation’s capital!

Dear Dougie Hamilton,

It has recently come to my attention that you are currently on the market for a new team, as you will become a free agent this summer and the Hurricanes have given you permission to talk to other teams. While I’m sure you have many very attractive offers on the table, I, personally, think that you should strongly consider becoming an Ottawa Senator.

Now, on the surface, I know that Ottawa might not sound like the best idea. You’re probably looking for at least $8M, and the Sens are famously broke. Ottawa also has more defensive prospects than they know what to do with, and a truly terrifying number of young players who will need new contracts soon. Plus, they finished near the bottom of the worst division in the NHL this year, missing the playoffs for the fourth time in a row. If you’re going to go through all the trouble of free agency, you’ll want to sign with a contender. I completely understand your reasoning.

But hear me out.

The Sens are broke, you say? The Sens are a bad team? Well, what if I told you that this team is actually planning on spending to the cap very soon, as they embark on a five-year run of unparalleled success starting this year? And that the only big hole in their lineup is right-hand defense, the very position that you, Mr. Douglas J. Hamilton, happen to play? With you playing top minutes with Chabot, Zub on the second pairing, and young, elite defensemen breaking into the NHL to fill those bottom-pairing minutes, I simply cannot see a single forward ever getting through this team’s defense.

As a 27-year-old player with 9 seasons under your belt, you would be a stabilizing veteran presence on this young and exciting team. No one will judge you if you skip out on team dinners, old man! In fact, Sens players don’t even go to Moxie’s; here in Ottawa, we have another option for team dinners, and that restaurant is run by a former player who understands the value of staying at home.

Speaking of things to do in Ottawa, I understand that you are a noted appreciator of museums. Well, do I have fantastic news for you about this city!

We have so many museums in Ottawa that there are lots of ways for intellectuals such as yourself to save on admission. A museums passport lets you visit three museums of your choice in three days, and an Ingenium membership gives you unlimited access to three of the most popular museums in the city, plus discounts at their gift shops and the chance to purchase a parking pass. Unlimited access! You’ll save so much money, it’s got to be worth taking a discount on your contract.

But what kind of museums do we have? I’m so glad you asked. For one, there’s the Museum of Science and Technology, which is full of fun activities and cool science facts. Have you ever visited the Crazy Kitchen, Dougie? I think you should check out the Crazy Kitchen before you write off Ottawa as a potential destination.

You can also look at cool airplanes at the Aviation museum, and visit farm animals at the Agriculture and Food Museum. If you’re thinking that that second one sounds more like a farm than a museum, think again! The Agriculture and Food Museum will teach you lots of fun facts about animals, and there’s even a tractor exhibit, with not one, but two tractor simulations that you can ride.

Do you like dinosaurs? We have lots of dinosaurs at the Museum of Nature! Then there’s the War Museum, the Museum of History, and the National Gallery. You can even visit the Parliament buildings to learn about Canadian government, watch a show at the NAC, or take a trip out West to check out the Diefenbunker. This doesn’t even cover all the smaller museums you can discover throughout your time in Ottawa. There are so many options that you’ll have to sign here long-term if you want to visit them all. Plus, almost all of these museums regularly host special, short-term exhibits, so you’ll never run out of new museum exhibits to visit.

But I know what you’re thinking: it doesn’t matter how many museums there are if you always have to visit them alone. Never fear! First of all, there are plenty of Sens fans who would be more than happy to accompany you on these outings. This city is known to be pretty respectful of players’ privacy, so we won’t bother you when you’re out and about, but we’ll gladly hang out with you if that’s what you want. More importantly, though, the 2021 Ottawa Senators have harnessed the power of friendship on a level never before seen in professional sports. These boys will welcome you with open arms, and I have no doubt that they’d be more than willing to go to some museums with you. I mean, the star prospect spends most of his free time sleeping. It’s not like this is a rowdy group. I’m sure you’ll fit right in.

In fact, I suspect you would be an excellent fit in this locker room. Have you heard of distinguished gentleman Artem Zub, who has a passionate, somewhat cultish fanbase on social media? Perfect boy Tim Stützle, who is spending the offseason visiting various European cities? What about Egor Sokolov, the most likable man in the AHL? I think you should have at least one conversation with Egor Sokolov before you make your decision.

Throughout your career, you’ve played for a highly successful original six team, for a bad Canadian team, and for a relatively new team in a small hockey market. Ottawa is the perfect middle ground between those teams. You’ll get a passionate fanbase, but without the pressure you faced in Boston or Calgary. Also, for the first time ever, you’ll be playing for a franchise that’s never won a Stanley Cup before, meaning that if you help us win, you’ll go down in history as one of the greatest heroes this franchise has ever known.

Also, have you ever wanted to play road hockey in a driveway belonging to the first Captain in Vegas Golden Knights history? It’s a bit of a long story, but we can make that happen.

Just picture this: you’re sitting in your car after a huge win. TSN 1200 is recounting all your best plays from the game. Someone calls in to say that you’re the best right-handed defenseman this franchise has ever had. Fans wearing your jersey are walking through the parking lot, still trying to find their cars long after the game has ended. Somewhere down the highway, a crowd of inebriated fans is chanting your name on a bus. You have a long drive ahead of you, which you can use to reflect on the game, or just to listen to an audiobook. It’s up to you.

Ottawa may not be the most obvious choice for a highly sought-after free agent such as yourself, but I promise that you’ll have more fun playing here than anywhere else. We’ve got museums, we’ve got fun personalities, and perhaps most importantly, we’ve got an up-and-coming team with a fanbase that’s starving for a winner.


A Sens fan who would love to show you around Ottawa’s museums

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