Let's Talk about Facial Hair

Author's note: How exactly does one go about writing a longform article hours before the single biggest hockey team the Ottawa Senators have played in just under eight years? When a single goal may mean the difference between jubilation and a eulogy, should the writer in question keenly prepare two contingent articles, or perhaps pull the college overnighter to make things as topical as possible? No. Instead you get this middle-of-the-road satire piece about playoff beards. If the Sens won last night then you'll happily just use this as another comment section to talk trash about the series. If the Sens lost last night then nothing I write here can take away the pain anyway.

Let me clearly state from the outset that if you, dear reader, maintain any sort of facial hair personally then do not interpret this as an attack on your character. Lots of great historical figures, mostly bass players, have rocked respectable facial hair. I personally find the idea of going two days without shaving grotesque but I'm also not exactly a paragon of masculinity. And yes, you can make the argument that if I don't like facial hair then I should follow a team like the Islanders that has a clean-shaven policy or just follow a team that didn't qualify for the playoffs (not us this year, hahaha!). Consider this exposure therapy for me to confront something I find alien in as clinical of a manner as possible (from the safety of my keyboard specifically).

Of course it bears mentioning that not everyone involved in the NHL postseason automatically subscribes to the facial hair ideology. I don't know the unwritten rules on who within the organization needs to participate (and I know this also becomes contentious among fans who feel obligated to abandon their razors) but I want to give a double shout-out to head coach Travis Green who has kept it clean shaven. Not only does he probably feel left out in a locker room with a grizzly players, he also shares my internal turmoil of staying baby-faced while also not having a Hollywood jawline. Conventional wisdom suggests that those of us with less defined features should embrace facial hair to accent our other attributes but also beards are itchy so, hard pass.

Now for some players, like Claude Giroux, this is just another day at the office. Not only has he played a lot of playoff games, I also think he was born with a beard fully intact. Because he's the team dad and because I can't picture him without a beard, I can live with this.

In fact, among veteran players in general, possibly because they have the playoff experience but more likely because we didn't watch them grow up right before our eyes, the beards seem somewhat more passable. Exhibit A David Perron:

And Exhibit B Linus Ullmark:

I don't love it but I'll allow it. I don't think either Perron or Ullmark has an aesthetically pleasing beard by any stretch but also I don't remember what they look like without facial hair. To that effect, as much as my confidence in the Sens hinges on Ullmark on a nightly basis, I could never pick him out of a crowd. But what about our sweet little baby men that we have watched, mother geese that we are, since their incubation–er, junior hockey careers? Our little guys are growing up right before our eyes and some days I hardly recognize them. As the least baby of the babies, and as someone who has never struck me as a routine shaver, little Tommy's scruff passes the eye test in my book:

Chabot seems like he would have this look going even if he wasn't playing hockey professionally so I'll live with it. I also can't wrap my head around the fact that the Sens drafted him almost ten years ago (the year of the Burger!), and he pretty much still looks the exact same. Never change, Thomas. Now let's shift back to jawlines for a second here because some individuals have the types of facial structure that basically preclude the growth of facial hair. Add to that the questionability of said growth and you get the Timmy effect. Dude, no one will judge you if you keep your beautiful god-given face just the way it is!

In the case of someone like Ridly Greig, as much as I don't love the facial hair, he also looks like someone who already wanted to kick my ass for having an opinion on a Tuesday and as much as our sweet little honey badger didn't need the scruff, I also won't volunteer to tell him otherwise.

In a post-Josh Norris paradigm, Shane Pinto has arguably ascended the throne as team heartthrob and that makes this most recent development all the more brutal. Look, I understand how excited these players must feel making the postseason for the first time in their professional careers but the struggle between Pinto's baby blues and whatever's growing on his face amounts to a criminal offence.

Tyler Kleven's baby face and blue eyes have always kind of been at odds with his scouting report and it reminds me a lot of how I perceived Zack Smith. Smith eventually pulled off a pretty monster beard by the end of his career while Kleven still has some patchiness going on.

Jake Sanderson's gingerbread beard caught me completely off guard to the extent that now I can't remember what colour hair he always had. If the Sens ever do end up making it to the finals then Sanderson might morph into another Giroux.

Anyway, we've danced around it long enough. Let's get to the reason we all clicked in the first place:

Tkaptain has never been more relatable. If anyone's facial hair ever captured the feeling of the 30-plus years of Sens fandom, it's Brday's. Just like everything else, Brady wants it more than everyone and just like his play on the ice, the value comes from the passion more than the aesthetic. It makes it even better now that Tkachuk has added "Dad" to his resume.

Look obviously I don't have time to cover the whole roster so if anyone wants to add some bonus content in the comments then please do so because I probably missed some good ones. Go Sens Go!