I keep it real as I break down hockey for hockey fans.
(Ed. note: Please welcome our newest staff member, Gord, to the team.)
Hi. OK. I'm bad at introducing myself and things like that so I'm just going to start talking hockey because I'm here to break down hockey for hockey fans. I keep it real. Here are some insights this week that some casual fans might have missed:
Jason Spezza - What a joke this guy is. That C on his sweater stands for Leadership and I have never seen another player not lead as much as this guy. Ever. And I've been playing or watching hockey pretty much all my life. He plays with absolutely no heart and basically gives up on any shift if he even loses the faceoff. And even if he does win it (which ALMOST NEVER happens) he doesn't do anything except try to pass to someone. That's not leadership. Leadership is doing everything yourself. I'm so sick of him trying to help his teammates out. That's not leadership. Leaders have to lead. And you lead by leading. Anyone who watches a game can see that Spezza doesn't know how to lead. Pretty much every point he scores is meaningless and when he tries to play defence, it makes me want to puke. I guarantee if I had Spezza's opportunity, I would play so hard. I would backcheck like crazy and never pass. And everyone would see how hard I was trying and then they would try hard. Not like it is now.
Erik Karlsson - What a joke this guy is. When that dirtbag Matt Cooke cut his ankle, did he really cut all of his soul? Anyone who watches the games can see that he's really bad at hockey now. This kid is so afraid of contact he reminds me of this Russian guy on one of my teams. We called him "Outski" because he always played on the perimeter and was so scared to go anywhere near any other guy, and he didn't speak English so he didn't even get the joke anyway. Ha ha. Outski led our team in goals and assists by a lot, but no one cared, because we all knew he wasn't playing REAL hockey. Karlsson is the same way. Sure, he has a lot of points, but have you seen his +/-? It's got to be the worst in the NHL. It's beyond horrific. EARTH TO KARLSSON: YOU ARE HERE TO PLAY DEFENCE. I don't know about you, but I'm so sick of seeing Karlsson try to lead a rush up the ice instead of doing what he's supposed to do. I'm so glad that he didn't get an A because he's probably the most selfish player on the team. You can't be selfish and be a leader. It seems like every play Karlsson is trying to do everything himself and that's not how you lead. You have four other teammates on the ice and you have to get them involved too. And don't get me started on how bad a shooter he is. Every time he winds up, I just take a drink because I know it's going to get blocked and start a breakaway for the other team. You can totally tell he's got the wrong attitude because I know for a fact that's not what the coaches are telling him to do. He's clearly so full of himself that he's basically uncoachable. Mark my words. By the end of this season, we'll be talking about what a cancer this guy is, if he's still on the team. I would trade him for 10 Eric Grybas.
Jared Cowen - What a joke this guy is. I know for a fact he will go down as the single worst player in the history of the entire organization. He always looks lost. And I don't mean just his positioning, which is literally ALWAYS WRONG. I mean his face. If you just look at his face he looks lost. Did Ottawa not interview this kid before they drafted him? He must be so stupid. Every time he touches the puck I just expect it to go right through his stick and into our own net. When I was playing, I literally NEVER bobbled the puck and when I did, it was never my fault. It was always because one of my teammates was too incompetent to make a decent pass. But Cowen is a professional, so he should never make a mistake. That's why he gets paid so much money. WHICH HE DOESN'T DESERVE, by the way. If I were getting paid $4MM a year, I swear I would try so much harder than Cowen. I bet the coaches are telling him everything he's supposed to do and he just doesn't get it because he's so stupid. And then he has no confidence because he doesn't understand and won't admit it. The fact that he won't admit it just proves how arrogant he is. I don't understand how anyone who is so bad at hockey can have so much self-confidence. Probably if this guy wasn't so full of himself he could be coached to be competent, but that's obviously never going to happen. I don't know what's worse than a bust, but that's what this guy is. He's going to erase that Dague guy from everyone's memory. Whatever scout watched him should get both a lobotomy and sterilized.
Chris Neil - What a joke this guy is. You're gonna pick a fight with a goaltender? Really? You're going to beat up the smallest guy in practice? Really? Way to follow the code. Where's the respect? I swear the only way this guy knows how to lead is by fighting and yelling. He can't play hockey at all. AT ALL. Have you noticed how literally every goal he's scored this year has been kicked in? I don't even know why they bother to give him a stick. All he does is skate around and hit or go to the net. I can understand why he got an A, though. This guy has so much more heart than anyone else at the arena. I know for a fact he wants to win every game. You can see how much he cares on every shift. Just watch him play. You see the way he tries to get the crowd going after he fights? He wants to win so bad and that's what leadership is all about. And you see how hard he goes to the net? You just have to try really hard. If everyone wanted it more than the other team, you'd never lose a game. When I was playing I ALWAYS tried my hardest unless the score was out of hand because then I had to save my energy for the next game. Neil reminds me of me, but I was way more intense. If my teammates had tried as hard as me, we would have never lost a game. But some people can't be inspired once they're lazy millionaires. I wish this team had 12 more Neils.
Cody Ceci - What a joke this kid is. Oh, yeah, everyone's slobbering all over him because he scored a goal. But guess what? I could have scored that goal. Basically, if you rewatch things, Ceci is totally scared. I was at that game and I couldn't talk for days afterward after yelling for him to shoot every time. Let me tell you something. When the entire barn knows you have to shoot and you don't shoot, you're not ready to play in the league yet. And when you're on the power play, YOU ALWAYS SHOOT. If some tough guy wants to get in the way of your shot, you shoot anyway. Make them pay the price enough times and they'll start getting out of the way. This is the most basic stuff and the kid can't get it right. The fact that I know it makes me wonder what else I know that the coaching staff doesn't. If you literally can't even coach a kid to shoot the puck, how are you going to coach your lines effectively? It's right there on the ice, obvious to anyone who watches the game. Everyone in the stands can see it, why can't the coach? But I'll get to him. Anyway, outside of an easy goal, what does this kid bring to the team except hype? He doesn't skate any better than me and he obviously doesn't know how to play defence. That doesn't surprise me because I watched him all the time when he was with the 67's. Just another flashy kid who thinks the world revolves around him. It's ridiculous how entitled he is already and all the hype is only going to make it worse. You have to earn your spot in the league and you do that by putting your head down and trying hard, not by trying to go coast-to-coast literally every time the puck is on your stick. But whatever, I guess he's just another defenceman who doesn't care about defence. I can't wait to see him break Karlsson's atrocious +/- record. Oh, wait. YES I CAN.
Craig Anderson - What a joke this guy is. ALL YOU HAVE IS ONE JOB. I think it should be obvious to anyone who watches that Anderson is probably the worst goaltender in the history of the organization. At least when Brian Elliott was in nets you could prepare yourself for the inevitable bad goal. But Anderson can't stop anything. He's beyond terrible. He's apocalyptic. I know for a fact that I could probably make half of the saves he's not making, and I haven't played professionally in years. It's really not hard to play goal at the NHL level. You just play the angles and the size of the pads does the rest. But Anderson can't even do that. I would literally want every other goaltender in the league than Anderson. It should be obvious that Bryan Murray got suckered YET AGAIN with this trade. Elliott has basically been amazing in every single game since he got traded but of course we gave up on him. I don't even know why you'd trade a guy that had an 11 game win streak. Elliott was probably the best goaltender we've ever had, but we gave up an ALLSTAR for a guy who can't even stay healthy because he's too busy looking at ice girls to be good at the game. If I got the chance, I would be so much more professional than this guy. I can't believe he gets paid money. He literally has to do just one thing and he can't even do it. I don't care what anyone says, every single goal he lets in is on him because that's his only job. He's a disgrace to his entire family. I don't know if he has kids, but I feel bad for them knowing they could probably do their dad's job better than he can. He's literally having the worst season in the history of the league. He's an insult to his entire line. We should go back in time and eliminate his entire family to make sure he never existed. That's how bad he is.
Paul MacLean - What a joke this guy is. Cory Clouston was so much better. I don't care about his Jack Adams. We've played half the games and we suck and that's on the coach. Literally every decision he makes is WRONG which basically proves how bad he is at his job. It's obvious to everyone that he's wrong because we suck. You can't argue that. It's a fact. I'm so sick of watching him actually try to fix the problems with the team with his stupid linejuggling. A smart coach would simply tank it so the team could get the first overall pick this year. I don't know why anyone thinks he's a good coach. I know for a fact that he has absolutely no clue what he's doing. He literally admits it in every single press conference he does. If he offered to coach any of my teams, I would refuse and then beat the crap out of him for offering. Literally every decision he makes is an insult to the game of hockey. It's like he's actively trying to sabotage the team, and I don't know why because they can't even get Connor MacDavid this year anyway. The way he manages his players isn't the way I would manage my players and I know for a fact that makes me better because everything he tries to do literally NEVER WORKS. That means my way is automatically better even though we haven't tried it yet. It should be obvious to anyone the opposite of failure is success. Obvious to anyone but MacLean that is. JUST STOP TRYING THINGS THAT DON'T WORK AND TRY THINGS THAT DO WORK. I'd be able to win a Jack Adams with the talent on this team, no doubt about it. Karlsson, Spezza, Ryan. Are you kidding me? If I were coaching the team, I would basically just play my best players no matter what because coaching really isn't hard. All you have to do is set a lineup and call timeout once a game when your guys are tired. John Paddock understood how to use his best players. I don't understand why we ever got rid of him. Coaching isn't hard if you're smart. But I guess it is hard if you're a know nothing fisherman. How did this guy even get a job when he clearly knows nothing about how to manage a team or hockey in general and admits it all the time?
Bryan Murray - What a joke this guy is. Literally every decision he makes is wrong. Fire Paddock? Wrong. Trade Elliott? Wrong. Hire MacLean? Wrong. Trade Ben Bishop? Wrong. If I were GM, I'd do so much better, because I wouldn't do dumb things and I'd find all the dumb GMs and sucker them. In my fantasy league I win all the time because I make such good trades. This one time in 2011 I offered a guy Chris Pronger for Sidney Crosby and he took it. What an idiot. And if I can do that, why can't Murray just call up Garth Snow and get a skilled guy like John Tavares? It's really not hard to be a GM in the NHL. You just get the best guys. How hard is that? I'm so sick of Murray going for skill guys like Karlsson and Kyle Turris. It's literally obvious when a guy is good like Antoine Vermette and Murray is to old to even see it. He is equal parts moronic and stupid. And you can tell he's stupid every time he talks because he can't even pronounce words correctly. I don't know why it's so hard for him to make a good decision. If I can recognize it, I don't know why he can't. But no, I'm not going to be a GM because I don't have pictures of Eugene Melnyk or whatever secret he has. The whole NHL is a joke because it's an old boys club and they conspire to keep the smart guys out and just recycle jobs over and over instead of giving real opportunities to guys with new ideas and who understand the game. Basically, it's obvious how to build a winning team and the Senators are such a joke because anyone can see everything they're doing wrong but I know for a fact that they don't, because they don't keep doing what I and everyone else keep suggesting and then they keep losing. And it's obvious why. They can't afford to buy good players like Sidney Crosby. It's really not that hard to win in the NHL. The Senators should be getting more ideas off of the internet and less from their own minds, because the ideas they come up with are all beyond awful and beyond dumb. But I know for a fact they won't listen because they are all "professionals" like that means they know more than a guy with as much experience as me. I also know for a fact that I've spent as many hours watching games as any scout and as many hours GMing teams in simulated seasons as anyone in the league. That's why everything is so obvious to someone like me and basically anyone who knows anything about hockey. But the Senators have their stupid little plan and their stupid little budget even though it's obvious both have FAILED COMPLETELY so they'll keep losing and then get what they deserve. Oh well. Hello, Connor MacDavid. I can't wait to see the team draft him this June.
About Gord - Gord once scored a hat trick in the WJCHL but wasn't given credit for it because the scorekeeper kept ruling that the goals were tipped even though he didn't have a good angle to see them. He also played in a game where a professional scout was in attendance, and the guy he was there to scout didn't even go on to do ANYTHING, how typical. He also watches every Senators game unless the score gets out of hand, because he's entitled to entertainment, not watching millionaires not try hard. He is the founder of GordKnowsHockey.com, the top shelf scouting site in the world before the league and Central Scouting forced it to shut down by secretly conspiring to drive traffic to their own sites. He was also poised to coach his local Timbits team to an undefeated season with his revolutionary ideas before the team's head coach got paranoid for his job and fired him. He now brings his revolutionary analysis and exceptional insight to Silver Seven.