Dear Mr. Melnyk,
It has come to my attention that your Ottawa Senators are now 477 points out of the playoffs, and that GM Bryan Murray is in the final year of his contract. Your vote of complete confidence in management, coaching, and players - nay, your insistence that this team is ready to go 42-0 for the rest of the season - which is customary around this time of year, has been conspicuously absent from our hallowed halls of media, The Ottawa Sun and TGOR, bastions of sound thought and astute analysis that they be. Lastly, I saw that little turd burglar Pierre McGuire going through your garbage, so I know the time ripe to make my availability known.
I would be an ideal choice for Ottawa Senators GM. I have an internet connection, and so I can look at nhlnumbers.com and sportsclubstats.com any time I want, and by using NHL.com, I can look up the age of players before signing them. I have an iPhone with an application on it that lets me know all the scores right away. I think we should sign Brad Richards to a contract that pays him $78M in the first year and $1M a year for the next 3000. These are not my only good ideas. I also think that Ottawa should hire a coach that has a strategy based around the team winning more games than it loses. I believe this very strongly. In today’s NHL (NHL 2.0), only those teams with a winning record will have any chance of sneaking into the playoffs as the eighth seed and maybe their goalie getting hot and going on a run to the third round where they’re annihilated by a team who has meticulously planned and built through the draft. Which, as well all know, is what Ottawa needs to do if it’s going to break even. Oh, I will also change our slogan from My Town. My Team to This is the Year We Break Even.
Also, and I know I’m being presumptuous, but on my first day on the job I would institute a rule that all Senators jerseys cannot have gold sparkles in them. I’m sorry, but the current policy that even if you come up with a black third jersey with the word SENS across the front that it must, somewhere, have gold sparkle in it is making us the laughing stock of the league. Even more so than drafting Brian Lee ninth overall. This new rule will be a crucial part of our success. Our new jersey will feature a black circle on a black background with black flames coming out of it, and all players will be made to wear balaclavas and carry large wooden clubs. Also, the blades of the skates will be replaced with machetes.
Lastly, I would consider trading Alex Kovalev for the 1st overall picks in 2011 and 2012. Have you been watching the World Juniors? I wish we had some of those guys. At least more than that one huge guy on defence who never seems to play the big minutes.
Anyway, I don’t drive, so I would need the organization to provide an express bus pass so I can get out to Kanata, or maybe you could let me work from home. And I can’t skate backwards, so I’d probably need to hire a scout to assess that part of the players’ game. Also, I have a degree in English Literature. But I think that it’s plain to see that despite these horrible, horrible shortcomings, I can’t possibly do any worse than what you've got now. My salary is negotiable. References available upon request. I would also consider the position of Jarkko Ruutu.
Varada is a regular contributor to The Cory Clouston Fashion Review, which may have to come up with a new name soon.