I’m sorry. I can’t do this.
I, quite simply, cannot bring myself to care about this game.
I tried. Honestly, I did. Writing recaps usually means paying a little bit more attention to the game than I normally would. I spend less time browsing Twitter. I take note of every important action. I never walk out. I try to provide an accurate recap of the game, because you guys deserve it.
But tonight, I just can’t. I don’t have the energy to care, or to watch without a second screen open. I wish I could provide a humorous account of the game that would make you all feel slightly better about the score, but I just don’t have the energy to make jokes tonight.
I don’t think there was a single moment during this game when I actually thought Ottawa would win. And you know what’s worse? I don’t think there was a moment when I even cared whether they won or lost. That’s how numb this team has made me.
You all deserve better than this. We deserve better than this. We shouldn’t be expected to sit through embarrassing loss after embarrassing loss, cheering on a team that hasn’t shown the slightest spark of life since their trip to Sweden.
I know perfectly well that this slump will not last forever, but this is honestly the most down on this team I’ve felt in a very long time.
I certainly hope this is rock bottom, because if it isn’t, I don’t want to see what rock bottom looks like.
So if, for some bizarre reason, you actually want to read an accurate recap and analysis of this game, I regret to inform you that you will have to look elsewhere. This is the only semblance of a recap that I can manage tonight.
Guy Boucher told his players to “free their minds,” and they took his advice a little bit too literally.
Mike Hoffman got a shot on goal.
Thompson committed a terrible turnover.
Phaneuf made a good defensive play, then immediately gave the puck away, and I feel like that might be a metaphor for something.
The Sabres came very close to scoring, many times.
Hoffman and Stone accidentally ended up on the same line for a few seconds during a line change.
It was actually pretty funny, how bad the Sens’ defense was on that play. Even as a Sens fan, I can appreciate the comedy.
Buffalo scored again.
Hoffman said “what the f are you watching?” to the ref and I felt like it was directed at me.
Ottawa got a two man advantage, and I’ll let you guess how it turned out.
Buffalo scored again.
The Sens actually scored!!!!! And it was Ceci, of all players.
Boucher tried being nice to his players. That’s how far his team has sunk.
Bobby Ryan went down after a very scary-looking hit, but eventually got back up and didn’t look too hurt.
I don’t even know what else happened in the third period. I was too busy writing this recap, because I refuse to spend more time thinking about this game than is absolutely necessary. There’s still plenty of time left in the game as I write this.
Wait, Derick Brassard just scored???????
It’s cool, nothing came of it. I don’t have to rewrite this entire recap.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a more pathetic 3-2 loss.
Again, I’m sorry for phoning this in. I’ll be back with my usual jokes next time. I just couldn’t do it tonight, folks.
This game wasn’t interesting enough to deserve a proper recap.