Halloween is an odd “holiday” in that the point of it is to scare people. And give candy to children. And to dress up in well-timed funny costumes. In fact, the point of Halloween isn’t totally clear: just try explaining it to someone from a country that doesn’t celebrate it. You would sound like a crazy person.
But the origins of Halloween revolve around spooky things for the most part. You know what else is scary? These upcoming stories about the Senators and the NHL. They may or may not happen in the future, and if they do...you might be pretty spooked. Get ready, because these might be too much to handle for some of you.
Ottawa’s Localness/60 Is No Longer 1st
Right now there are five Senators who are from the Ottawa-Gatineau area, which must be amongst the highest or the highest amount of local players that any NHL team has. However...
It’s possible that one day their localness per 60 goes down substantially. Mark Borowiecki: traded. Marc Methot: lost in the expansion draft. Derick Brassard: traded. All of a sudden the Senators become a team with a regular amount of “good local boys.” Scary, I know.
Mark Stone Loses Ability to Express Emotions
Stone is love, Stone is life. Stone is an amazing all-around player, but his in-game emotions make him even more lovable.
What if one day a witch casts a spell on him and he loses his ability to express emotions on the ice? Is he even worth cheering for if we cannot expect a Signature Stone Face on Twitter?
These are the important questions we have to wonder about, and pray that they never come true.
Pierre McGuire Becomes the GM
The Senators players are in the dressing room waiting to meet their new GM, when they hear chanting down the hallway:
“DOU-BLE DI-ON, DOU-BLE DI-ON, DOU-BLE DI-ON!”
The players (especially Phaneuf) try to pretend like it hasn’t happened but it has: the same man who said that “I would love for someone to come up with an analytic number for grit, because grit matters” is now their GM.
On the bright side of this horror story, he would no longer be in the media, so we would not be subjugated to even creepier things like this.
Patrick Wiercioch and Erik Condra Come Back
Sens Twitter can be a dark place sometimes. Not just because the team hasn’t done very well over the years, but because there is always a divide between fans on certain players. You want to start a bloody war between fans that could last a lifetime? Bring back Patrick Wiercioch and Erik Condra who are liked by “stats people,” and disliked by the “eye-test people.”
The players on the ice would not be scary, but off the ice? There would be potential for a Civil War. I don’t want to imagine how bad The Great Sens Twitter War of 2017 would look, but it certainly would be more gory than your typical Haunted House.
Montreal Fires Michel Therrien
No...but who can Senators fans possibly make fun of? The best part about loving to hate the Canadiens is that Therrien is an objectively bad coach yet they insist on keeping him there. They even traded their best skater to keep him happy!
How on Earth would we be able to laugh at the team?
Therrien is the perfect scapegoat for the Canadiens, and Montreal firing him/hiring a smart coach would be the scariest thing Montreal has done in years.
The Leafs Become Good Again
Say it ain’t so! Auston Matthews will haunt Senators fans dreams, Roman Polak will no longer be on their defense, and the Leafs will be able to use their money wisely. It seems unlikely right now, and we don’t want to believe it, but it can happen.
No longer will we be able to ironically talk about “planning the parade” because of fears that an actual parade for them will happen.
That would be one scary day.
Let’s hope none of these tales ever come true, because they are pure nightmarish. I hope you can sleep well tonight, and have a safe and fun Halloween!