Eulogy: Remembering the 2013 Ottawa Senators

Ed Note: Noted NHL content aggregator, Puck Daddy, likes to publish (allegedly) humourous eulogies for each NHL team as they get eliminated from the playoffs. Usually these are put together by a competent writer who blogs for the team that eliminated the recently deceased squad, although sometimes they are written by Andrew Berkshire instead. Admittedly, I didn't finish reading all of the "official" eulogy as I stopped reading halfway through to make sure I immediately mailed a nomination form so Berkshire and Obrand would be eligible for the "Down Goes Brown Memorial Best 'KANATA IS SO FUCKING FAR AWAY FROM OTTAWA LOLOLOLOL' Joke" Award. (It's a thing. Look it up.) Luckily, PD has established the practice of letting fans of the deceased team write their own eulogy. Therefore, it is only fitting that I attempt a proper memorial for this year's Senators squad. After all, what could possibly commemorate this team better than an obscure post that will be acknowledged by few and appreciated by even fewer? Getting ignored by the mainstream media is how we roll in Ottawa. Obligatory: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.

By Speedy McEachern

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remember the 2013 Ottawa Senators. Well, I say "remember". It's more like I'm the priest mumbling Latin over the bodies of beggars being laid to rest in a mass grave; we all just want to get this over as soon as possible.

First, I have to get this off my chest: Dear NHL, if you did not play any regular season games in 2012, you do not get to say this was the "2012-13 Season". Don't run over my dog in your Hummer, buy me a new puppy, name it Spot, then say it's as good as the old one. That's bullshit. We both know what you did, so stop acting like it's all fine. We missed hockey for half a year, so you have to acknowledge the fact that we missed hockey for half a year. Fair is fair.

Anyway, assuming the 2013 Ottawa Senators consisted of washed up veterans, injured "star" players, and fringe AHL players at they time they were eliminated, this team died the exact same way that they lived. Don't tell their fans that, though. Good lord, have you ever seen a group of people so desperate to convince themselves that the SPAM they were being fed was fillet mignon? Here is a brief list of the less-egregious falsehoods Sens fans were desperate to foist upon the world:

But who can blame the Sens fans, really? Faced with the bitter prospect of having no stars, no goal scoring, and no hope (or as the Calgary Flames call it, "reality"), their minds would have disintegrated faster than Milan Michalek's ACL if they didn't construct such elaborate fantasies. This explanation, however, is still no excuse for the following delusions:

  • Ottawa has a rivalry with Pittsburgh.

This, of course, is a laughable statement. I haven't seen a hockey team get this badly mangled in the playoffs since the last time Ottawa played Pittsburgh, or when Ottawa played Pittsburgh the time before that. For the record, other so-called "rivalries" on the same level as the Ottawa-Pittsburgh rivalry include, "The Harlem Globetrotters vs. The Washington Generals", "Bulls vs. China Shops", "Mumford and Sons vs. Songwriting Versatility", and "Professor Charles Xavier vs. Stairs". Hockey Jesus barely even needed to show up for this one. Sure, he made a special guest appearance in Game 2, but mostly he delegated the dirty work to Geno "The Baptist" Malkin and James "False Prophet" Neal. Dan Bylsma also deserves a lot of credit for developing a coaching scheme designed to shut down the Sens' breakout star of the playoffs: Kyle Turris' Ass (#BigBootyPoppin).

Let's give Craig Anderson some credit: He went from, "That Goaltender Who Can't Win a Playoff Series" to "That Goaltender Who Can Almost Never Win a Playoff Series", so he's really moving on up. It's pretty amazing that the Senators said to themselves, "Here's a goaltender who got run out of town in Florida AND Colorado. He's a franchise goaltender." and the entire fan base went along with it. Luckily, the Sens have Robin Lehner waiting in the wings for when the Sens decide that they'd like to win a number of playoff series greater than 1. This is the same organization that drafted Mathieu Chouinard, Ray Emery, Brian Elliot, Mathieu Chouinard again, and Martin Prusek, so you know, based on the company he's in, Robin Lehner is TOTALLY going to work out.

Here's a list of things Daniel Alfredsson's still got: clown hair, a girly headband for said clown hair, a firm grip on reality, a flair for the dramatic. Here's a list of things Daniel Alfredsson no longer possesses: youth, gamebreaking skill, fucks to give. Seriously, you people are selfish assholes. How much more does Alfie need to give you people until you'll just let him go retire in peace? Unless Guillaume Latendresse pulls a Peter Regin and allows Alfie to slowly suck up his life-force to sustain him for another season or two (That's still probably worth $2MM/yr), Alfie's going to settle down for a well-deserved rest. At least we are all be able to look forward to Alfie getting booed by a Scotiabank Place full of Leafs fans when he gets his number retired at the beginning of next season. I can think of no more fitting an ending to his career.

  • The Senators are well-built for the future.

Most Sens fans will tell you this team is only going to get better. I can't see it. Sorry if I don't want to jump on the bandwagon of a team with overrated goaltending, declining stars, mediocre rookies, and top defenseman whose Achilles heel is literally his Achilles heel. There's no way the team would have made it as far as they did without Coach Paul Maclean, which is why it's REALLY going to suck when he leaves Ottawa to coach Vancouver to a Cup in 3 years time. Luckily, the Sens will probably still continue to make the playoffs, as there's no way Detroit, Boston, Toronto, and Montreal are going to be THAT competitive every year, right? I mean, what do those teams have other than storied histories, rabid fanbases, and the ability to spend to the salary cap every year with impunity? NOTHING! Still though, if I may address Eugene Melnyk directly right now: Dude, you may want to commence Operation Sell More Orgasm Nasal Spray if you intend to stay competitive in the coming years. You're going to have to pay Jean-Gabriel Pageau his money eventually...

  • People will fucking love it when I post pictures of my pasty man-thighs on the internet.

What the....just...why...WHY GODDAMMIT?!?!

As King George V once said, "Do not pity the dead, Harry; pity the living.", and the Sens' fans are truly to be pitied. Their team is dead, yet they live on with only their memories to sustain them. Reality has dealt them a harsh blow, but still they soldier on, loyal to the end, ever hopeful for a future that will never come. It is now with them that our thoughts must lie. Our thoughts and prayers are with them all, though their pain be beyond our ability to salve. Let us remember that death is a part of life, and we must take the good with the bad. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Unless you're Jaromir Jagr. Seriously, that dude is ridiculous! He's like eleventy-billion years old.

May God have mercy on us all.


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