Kyle Turris was a warrior of hockey, his youth a succession of accomplishment and victory. He was the golden warrior of Canada, the 3rd of the great draft picks of MMVII. A young life was full of promise, his path to being an Emperor seemingly assured. However it was not to be, the land of Arizona was a land of focused defence and veteran dependent death. Kyle Turris needed an answer, an answer that came to him.
In that desert of Arizona, a young virtuous man had a vision, a vision of ice-time, of a chance his staunchly committed overlord would not allow. The vision became clear, a symbol of the mighty Centurion worn by the people of the north. So he be-seeched the great soothsayers of the his legal agency and let it be known that he wished to be traded and refused his order to battle upon the rink. He and Sir Tippett fought long and hard but eventually there was but one course clear. As his vision had foretold, his future was elsewhere.
On December 17th MMXII, his vision came true, he was traded to the Ottawa Senators, the great Turricane was heard screaming "IN HOC SIGNO VINCES" and proudly adopted the symbol of the Ottawa Senators, the proud Centurion. His fellow Senators would rally to their banner and overcome their opponents, the dreaded Sabres, the hated Penguins, the so-so Canadians and the always there but often without a goaltender Philadelphia Flyers. The City embraced its new patron, for he was a man of many deeds.
A Patron Of The Arts:
Still it was his work in on the great rink that mattered to his people, he took the title of 2nd-Line Center onto his shoulders and proudly wore his new Centurion sign into the great playoffs.
In Game 4 of 7 on the night of April 18th MMXII Kyle Turris acted, he broke the great curse that the witch Alanis Morrisette cast on the rink of Scotiabank. For it had been without playoff victory since her siren song enveloped the very foundation of the building. Fed by JOB The Forgotten he made history, proudly bearing his new symbol to the world.
Kyle Turris evens the series scoring in overtime. 4/19/12 (via NHL)
Sadly the series did not end in victory, the Senators fell in Seven Games. But the sign of the Centurion guided him as it one had and he trained to his very core over the long summer.
A summer passed and a battle of ownership and labour had the many fans of the Senators in a state of depression. The brief euphoria of hockey once more was tempered by the injuries to Lord Giggles, Sir Yorgi and the tragedy that befell the Great Son of Sweden Erik Karlsson. The city needed a savour, a new Emperor to step in, the Great Warrior Alfredsson no longer of age to lead like he once did. Kyle Turris was that man, that Emperor.
It was a long hard battle, a legion of his Pesky Senators tore through the competition. Heisenburg Methot, Big Rig Phillips, Ooh Aah Silfverburg, Hab-Slayer Pageau were just some of his soldiers as they defied the great odds against them. The three headed goaltending dragon AndeBishoLehner a seemingly impenetrable backstop for his forces.
Once again he marched into the great playoffs, all other generals expected the Centurion to fall, they were wrong for though injured, some of his fallen soldiers had returned. On May 2nd MMXIII the battle began:
First he silenced the crowd with the setup of Karlsson's thunderous blow.
Erik Karlsson Game 1 vs. Montreal (via CBSEyeOnHockey)
The Canadians would battle back but fall in the third period, a period they would come to bemoan, for Game 1 was victorious. Game 2 was a depressing loss but the next game brought new hope.
Pageau The Hab-Slayer made his mark, already two of his legendary three goal game had been tallied. Turris cemented the power of the Centurion by burying the puck behind the prone Carey Price.
The goal was so powerful, so soul crushing, so monstrously impacting upon the psyche of the Canadians that they were driven to rage......and promptly destroyed by the mighty Centurions of Ottawa.
Canadiens vs Senators Line Brawl May 5, 2013 (via hockeyfights.com)
The Senators skated tall and proud, for they had won once more. The following game was one of controversy, the game was in the favour of the Canadians until the great Swedish soccer player Mika Zibanejad scored his soul-shattering soccer goal upon the rink.
The soon to be disgraced Conacher sent the game into Overtime, near a year to the day, Turris would proudly showcase the Centurion to the world once more.
Kyle Turris (2) Overtime Game Winner. Montreal Canadiens 2 Ottawa Senators 3. May 7th 2013 (via xXxCrosby87Xx)
The Senators now led the great series 3-1, the glorious Carey Price wounded and without hope of return. The scene was set for the greatest action of the Kyle Turris....the ass goal which silenced millions of Quebecois and thousands of Hab acolytes the world over. The pubs rejoiced, the arena moaned, the Berkshire pushed to near-insanity.
Kyle Turris Goal (Ottawa Senators vs Montreal Canadiens Playoffs May 9, 2013) NHL HD (via OttawaSensScore)
Yes we are living the story of Kyle Turris the Emperor, Kyle the Great, The Turricane, The Ass-goaler, The Not Randy Cunneyworth, he proudly took upon the symbol of the Centurion and made us all proud. As for the purposes of this article he was quoted to say.....
IN HOC SIGNO VINCES, IN THIS SIGN I WILL CONQUER!