Note: This is obviously not a serious analysis. I poke fun at Sens fans, and I include myself in that group, so don’t take it too seriously.
July 1: A shrewd Bryan Murray promises Scott Howson that no, Nick Foligno’s offensive output was not an anomaly, and that he would gladly take Marc Méthot’s absurdly overpaid contract off his hands.
Guyet Guillaume Latendresse is also signed to a one-year deal, marking the last time any Sens fans will refer to him as Guillaume Latendresse.
September 15: Completely annoyed by (the lack of) actions taken by the league and the NHLPA, fans begin to swear off the league, ensuring whoever will listen that they will never return to this joke of a league. (No seriously, sports talk radio and hockey fans in general became completely unbearable.)
January: Fans flock back to the arenas in record numbers, which all but certifies that the next lockout will take place in a decade or so.
January 27: Jason Spezza suffers a back injury that will require surgery and that’ll keep him out of the lineup until at least April. Sens fans are still confident that, with the depth of this team, the quality goaltending and the respected coaching staff, the playoffs aren’t just a desired goal, it remains a very feasible one.
February 13: Erik Karlsson is victim of a freak injury at the
blades hands of Matt Cooke. All hope is lost. We will not make the playoffs, and thinking that we will is nothing but fan optimism, blatantly ignoring the fact that the best defenseman in the game has been taken out of the game by a noted cheap-shot artist. Somehow, hatred towards Matt Cooke augments even more.
February 18: Hey look, a Bobby Butler sighting!! (I am not bitter, I am not bitter, I am not bitter…)
February 21: Sens fans are relieved to hear that their star goaltender is day-to-day, until we realize that "day-to-day’" is really code for "He’ll return sometime this season. We think. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully."
March 19: To the surprise of absolutely no one, Milan Michalek misses a chunk of games to get surgery on his susceptible knee.
April 3: Goaltender Ben Bishop is sent packing and joins the Tampa Bay Lightning in exchange for rookie sensation Cory Conacher along with a fourth round pick. Everyone agrees that Bryan Murray got the better part of the deal, and pundits collectively wonder how Murray could obtain a draft pick in addition to Conacher.
April 5: After a 4-2 loss at the hands of the lowly Buffalo Sabres, fans are outraged that Bryan Murray could trade such a useful player for a bum who couldn’t get even on the score sheet against such a pathetic team.
April 9: Rihanna causes quite a stir in Sensland when she is photographed wearing nothing but a Sens jersey. The hilarious @BonksMullet then starts a new Twitter trend, #Rihannaing, in hopes of aiding the Sens’ chances of winning, thus forever eliminating the stereotype that Sens fans are boring.
April 9: The last sighting of Peter Regin’s remaining shoulder in an NHL jersey.
May 24: After eliminating the Northeast champs, the Sens fall in disappointing fashion to the mighty Pens in five games. Now some people might think that defeating their division rival and coming out of the first round for the first time in six years would be the biggest storyline from the 2013 season, but they would sadly be mistaken. As impressive as their first round series was, and as disappointing as their performance against the Pens was, the star of the playoffs remains Bryan Murray’s excitable nature. Just look at him – how does this not instantly make you feel better?
June: Paul MacLean becomes an inspiration to every bug-eyed fat walrus when he collects his Jack Adams trophy.