Speedy's Half-Assed Guide to Patrick Wiercioch

Finally! Speedy McEachern has come back! TO SILVER SEVEN!

And just like The Rock, I've come back because it's financially advantageous to do so. While The Rock and I share many other attributes [CITATION NEEDED], unlike Dwayne, I have not been off making films, but rather peddling jokes on an obscure corner of the internet. The joke business is great, by the way, thanks for asking. Two other guys and I write for 16 hours a day in a small, cramped room, and then our boss takes the combined output and sells the jokes at a huge markup. Apparently that's just how the industry works...

Anyway, enough about me. I'm here to talk to you about Patrick Wiercioch, the man with the name no one could ever find a way to make fun of.

Drafted by the Senators 42nd overall in 2008, Patrick Wiercioch played two years with the University of Denver before playing for Binghamton beginning in 2010. You can tell that he was showing great promise by this time because he already had a Youtube montage set to terrible music. Also watch for Luke Richardson to compare Wiercioch to "Brian Lee*mumble*", which was either a huge compliment, or damning indictment depending on what he meant to say where the mumble was.

It appears that the turning point in Wiercioch's minor league career came in late 2011 when he was bitten in the throat by a radioactive puck. While it was a scary experience for Wiercioch, he came out of the ordeal having been gifted with the offensive powers of Erik Karlsson.

Check out this goal he scored for Binghamton in 2012. The goalie is supposed to save the puck, right? Well Wiercioch decides to bank the puck off the goalie and into the net. That's right, he turned his opponents strength into a weakness. Move over, Sun Tzu! Patrick Wiercioch is writing a new masterpiece, and it's called The Art of Score.

After last year's lockout ended, Wiercioch made the Ottawa Senators roster and immediately began to contribute. Here he is springing Al Silfversson on a breakaway with a beauty stretch pass. That is pure quality right there, folks. If Eric Gryba dreamed that he made that pass, he'd apologize.

You think Wiercioch's skills are limited to long passes made to non-existent Swedes? Well you're wrong. Here he is breaking Andrei Markov's ankles in the slot (Markov then sat out for 6 weeks with a wounded pride) before firing a shot past Carey Price. Granted, trying to score on Carey Price is like playing tennis with the net down, but this is a results-oriented business. Let's not punish Patrick for making a play that was essentially a 0.5/10 degree of difficulty.

This year, Wiercioch has picked up right where he left off. Witness this pass from this past preseason. Seriously, just look at that shit. That pass has got more sauce on it than my grandmother's chicken parm. How can such epic offensive skill be contained on the 2nd pairing? Well, I submit to you that it can't.

It's only a matter of time until someone within the Senators organization says, "You know what's better than one offensively skilled defenceman? Two offensively skilled defenceman!". We're a fancy stats crowd, so they'll probably prove it with math, but I have it on good authority that 2 is bigger than 1. And bigger is always better. Sometimes.

Erik Karlsson and Patrick Wiercioch are well on their way to becoming the Big Cop/Small Cop of the Ottawa Senators. (Also appearing: Borocop)

Basically, Patrick Wiercioch takes everything you love about other Senators defencemen and combines it into one player. You love Erik Karlsson joining the rush? Patrick Wiercioch does that! You love how Jared Cowen is a huge 6'5" d-man? Well, Patrick Wiercioch is also 6'5", and unlike Cowen, he doesn't hold out on you! Patrick Wiercioch is Erik Karlsson in Jared Cowen's body and wearing a Kyle Turris mask. He's a good team guy as well. Patrick Wiercioch knows his role.

Get the bumper stickers printed, folks.


This FanPost was written by a member of the Silver Seven community, and does not necessarily reflect the beliefs or opinions of the site managers, editors, or Sports Blogs Nation, Inc.

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