Why do you do this to us? We, the humble citizenry of this great land who do nothing but lavish vast riches upon you if only to be afforded the privilege of gawking at the awesome magnificence that is whatever piece of upholstery Don Cherry is wearing ask in bewildered pain. Why? Why do you hate us so? What have we done to deserve Bob Cole?
Glenn Healy is bad enough. I despise Glenn Healy with the white hot fury of a thousand suns. The man is a dilettante poser with the IQ of a turnip who has managed to coast for 20 years on the Cup ring he lucked into as Mike Richter's jock cleaner. His anti-every-team-I-never-played-for bias would be laughable if it weren't presented with such self-righteous pomposity (see file: season long fellatio of Ryan Calahan). I can only assume that you only keep him around as a plaything for Ron MacLean during the Hotstove (come to think of it, the same could be said for Milbury...but I digress).
But that said, I would happily grit my teeth and drill out my eardrums and put up with Healy if it meant someone, anyone, at CBC HQ would finally take Bob Cole gently by the hand and lead him out of the press box. I'll even help. "There, there Bob. Come, come. You've been an awesome guy, and a top notch play-by-play man for the first 30 of the last 40 years. Now we're just going to take a little walk. See that field? Isn't it beautiful, what with the trees and tall grass and bobbing wildflowers and copious servings of tapioca pudding? Wouldn't it be nice to rest there? It would, wouldn't it? Sure it would. Now off you go. There's a good boy".
See?? How hard is that?
Look, I like Bob. I really do. And at one time, he and Harry Neale were the best in the business, a national treasure, blah, blah, blah. But the man is almost 80 years old. And it shows. Twice this season, including last night, Bob called "Karlsson" instead of Gonchar on the powerplay while Erik was serving a penalty taken not ten seconds before. Shots that are clearly saves "go just wide". What once were endearing if a little too folksy catch phrases ("Oh baby!", "Holy cow", "Heavens to Betsy!", "Oh Nelly!", "What a dandy", "Soft dump in the corner"...wait, what?) have become sad cliches used to hide his increasing inability to keep up with the play. Last night's cringe worthy "THIS is the playoffs baby!" on an innocuous dump-in and the constant Gonchar/Karlsson transpositions are just two of the latest sad reminders that his best before date has long past.
So please MotherCorp, do it for Bob. Do it for us. I'll even spring for the gold watch.