[Mark]: Congratulations, you have all been awarded franchises in the PHL We regret that not all owners could be awarded franchises in their home cities:
Mark - Atlanta Swamp Beasts
Adnan - Hamilton Maple Leaves
Amelia - Kansas City Uppercuts
Bobby - Las Vegas Fistifcuffs
Peter - Ottawa Senatorz
Dave - Quebec City Snootypants
Ryan - Saskatoon Doom
Darren - Seattle Space Dragons
Varada - Thunder Bay Lightning
OFFICIAL BYLAWS OF THE PHL
1. You may not rename or relocate your team. You may design your own logo. Jerseys are required to have the PHL logo on the shoulder patches.
2. You may not sign players under contract with other North American teams.
3. You may not shoot crossbows from the backs of ATVs. The PHL regrets this must be stipulated in writing.
4. There is no regular season overtime. End of regulation ties will be immediately decided by a shootout. The shooters will be goalie who started the game, and the shootout goalie will be the goalie designated as the backup for the game. Goalies pulled with fewer than three goals allowed will not be eligible to participate in the shootout. If a goalie is not eligible for the shootout, a team must forfeit unless the goalie exited the game due to injury. In this case, a team's remaining goalie will be both the designated shooter and goaltender during the shootout. The shootout will proceed by rounds until one shooter has scored more goals in an equal number of attempts. Goalies are not required to use their regular equipment when shooting.
5. The PHL league champion shall be known as the "Grand Unified Champion" because it sounds cool.
6. The Commissioner and founder of the PHL, Mark Parisi, shall be commissioner for life or until retirement. The commissioner will adjudicate all disputes, including those between the Atlanta franchise and other franchises.
7. You do not have to complete a roster of 23 players at this time. You merely have to name enough for readers to get a sense of what kind of team you are creating.
8. As there are currently only nine franchise, we will hold an open expansion for a 10th franchise for one reader. The location must be in North America, and may not be in a city hosting an NHL team. It is preferable that the city be in Western North America and have an available arena. The winner will be voted on by the owners and the franchise will be named "Nightmare Faries."
9. There will be two divisions, consisting of five franchises each. The Awesome Division will consist of the following franchises: Kansas City Uppercuts, Las Vegas Fistifcuffs, Saskatoon Doom, Seattle Space Dragons, and provisional expansion team. The Glorious Division will consist of the following franchises: Atlanta Swamp Beasts, Hamilton Maple Leaves, Ottawa Senatorz, Quebec City Snootypants, Thunder Bay Lightning.
10. Any franchise losing to the Seattle Space Dragons in the championship is required to formally acknowledge in writing, in public, that a Space Dragon is the most impressive and terrifying animal ever, because it is a dragon that is from space.
11. The three top franchises from each division will qualify for the playoffs. The first round of the playoffs will match the two lowest divisional opponents against each other, with the winner moving on to the division championship round. The top franchise in the division will be given a bye in the first round. Each round will consist of seven games. The franchise from the Awesome Division shall always be granted home ice advantage in the championship round.
12. The remaining franchises will play a single-game ladder tournament to determine draft order. Draft order will be in order of finish (i.e. tournament winner receives first overall pick, while last place in the tournament receives the lowest possible pick.). Remaining draft order will be inverse of finish (i.e. Champion selects last, etc.)
13. Any owner may suggest a new bylaw or amendment to a bylaw. Changes to the bylaws will be made at the Commissioner's discretion. Owners suggesting frivolous changes will be subjected to loss of draft picks or player transfers as punishment for wasting the Commissioner's time.
14. The appeals process for all disputes, including bylaws, is as follows: A seven-game series of Blades of Steel will be played between the Commissioner and aggrieved party. The aggrieved party will retain the right to select their team first. The aggrieved party must represent themselves during the dispute. Should the aggrieved party win the series, their grievance will be rectified immediately and without further dispute, but not retroactively. However, should the aggrieved party lose the dispute, they are required within seven days of the loss to post a video of themselves covered in a reasonable facsimile of blood, proclaiming, "FREDDY GOT ME!" Failure to comply will result in the transfer of the franchise's best player to the team currently lowest in the standings. If the grievance is filed by the team currently lowest in the standings, failure to comply will result in the loss of all first and second round draft picks for the year.
15. In the event the Markham arena is ever actually built, the Hamilton Maple Leaves may relocate there provided the owner is willing to rename the team "Markham Taternuts."
WELCOME TO THE PHL!
[Ryan]: I'm confused on a couple of points:
Is there an additional rule that the Atlanta franchise retains home-ice advantage in the championship series regardless of the fact they're not in the Awesome Division, or is this an attempt from the commissioner to appear fair and balanced?
Will the PHL be using a revenue sharing system in order to fund a human cloning project so that a genetically-identical Mark Parisi will always remain commissioner?
Finally, if an owner makes a frivolous request, is it a loss of player transfers or a required player transfer? i.e. Will Jonathan Cheechoo be passed around like a hot potato between the most ridiculous owners?
[Mark]: To clarify for Ryan:
Is there an additional rule that the Atlanta franchise retains home-ice advantage in the championship series regardless of the fact they're not in the Awesome Division, or is this an attempt from the commissioner to appear fair and balanced? - The league recognizes the travel challenges of the Awesome Division, and as such, awards them home-ice advantage. Teams in the Glorious Division, including the Atlanta Swamp Beasts, should shut up about this.
Will the PHL be using a revenue sharing system in order to fund a human cloning project so that a genetically-identical Mark Parisi will always remain commissioner? The league will use a revenue-sharing system to play some fucking hockey. Commissioner duties will be based on a familial line of inheritance, which means the Commissioner's unborn first child, Magnus Parisi, will inherit Commissioner duties upon Mark's untimely demise.
Finally, if an owner makes a frivolous request, is it a loss of player transfers or a required player transfer? i.e. Will Jonathan Cheechoo be passed around like a hot potato between the most ridiculous owners? It is the loss of a roster player via transfer to another team of the Commissioner's choosing, most likely the crappiest. We suspect this will be Las Vegas. Punishments are severe in the PHL, so beware.
[Bobby]: "We suspect this will be Las Vegas." Congratulations, Mark. You just pushed the Fisticuffs to retain the services of one Dominik Hasek. In addition to mandatory involvement in any international hockey competition, Hasek will actually not be playing goalie. He'll just be a defenseman who stands behind the net and waits for the opposing team to have a breakaway, at which point he is expected to meet the player in question before the face-off dot and perform a 'cut-block.'
[Varada]: The Thunder Bay Lightning sign Martin Prusek to an 18 year, $110MM deal, $108MM of which is up-front bonus money. And naturally Vaclav Varada is captain of the team after signing a 3 month contract at $12 an hour.
[Peter]: The Bytowne Senatorz have signed Dean McAmmond as a first-line centreman. Shean Donovan will be his right winger, while Kristian Huselius has agreed to join the team and will play on the left side.
As per club policy, terms of the contracts were not disclosed.
[Ryan]: We've reached an agreement in principle with Dan Ellis. Details to come. I already called Huselius! Well we got Jesse Winchester, Dan Ellis, and Dominic Moore. A requirement in Moore's contract states that by the end of his 3-year deal, every team must have traded a second-round draft pick for him at least once.
[Peter]: GAH! With Auld and Huselius out, our lineup has been amended and looks like this so far:
[Adnan]: The Hamilton Maple Leaves are proud to sign Alexander Radulov to a 5-year $40 million dollar deal and shares in a local steel company. He will be transported to and from the arena in a bubble without having to smell the outside air. We are also finalising deals with Michael Del Zotto and Dmitry Kulikov.
[Bobby]: Amid glittering confetti, minority shareholder Laurence Tureaud (colloquially referred to as Mr. T) reaches the microphone:
The Las Vegas Fisticuffs are proud to announce their first signing. Please welcome to the team... Mister.... SEAN AVERY.
He somehow fished his skates out of the East River. Stay tuned for more roster updates.
[Mark]: The Atlanta Swamp Beasts are proud to announce we have officially signed Pascal Leclaire. He will be paid in milk and calcium supplements. We have also added: Chris Pronger, and Marc Savard, thanks to special agreements with the NHL. The Swamp Beasts don't believe in injuries, allowing us to facilitate these deals.
[Ryan]: The PHL is proud to present its first official headshot. Meet Alexander Radulov of the Hamilton Maple Leaves.
[Ryan]: Dan Ellis has signed for $15 per save, with a signing bonus of a 2008 Volvo XC90.
[Bobby]: Good for the Swamp Beasts not believing in injuries. The Fisticuffs don't believe in integrity of the game! Kinda like the NHL, only more fun!
On that note, the 'Cuffs are pleased to welcome to the fold Mike Commodore who will play only in road games. During all home matches, he will be the mascot. LVC management will provide him with his own gladiator costume, complete with script on the back of his shield, inspired by what we here in Vegas believe was the GREATEST start to a playoff hockey game. Ever.
Oh, also, Chris Campoli is on the team.
[Varada]: Can an exemption be made to the existing contract rule so I can sign wade redden for a bunch of cocaine? Oh and Chris Simon.
[Mark]: The league will grant the cocaine exception upon demonstrable proof of cocaine use. By Redden... not you.
[Adnan]: In yet another signing, the Hamilton Maple Leaves are signing 2012 Nashville Predators draft pick Pontus Aberg to a 1-year deal with no monetary compensation but free boarding and food at the local IKEA.
[Ryan]: In an effort to take away fans from the Quebec side of the Ottawa region, the Saskatchwan Doom have come to an agreement with the Gatineau Olympiques that all 20-year old undrafted players will be offered professional tryout agreements.
To that end, Saskatchewan have come to terms with defence men Alex MacDonald and Yousseff Kabbaj, as well as left wing Kyle Morrison. Goaltender Francois Lacerte has been signed to play on our minor league affiliate, the Regina Impending Doom. All terms are undisclosed, but deals contain a promise that they will never have to play in the Robert Guertin Arena again.
[Adnan]: To continue my love for Europeans with bad attitudes, we are signing Evgeni Kuznetsov to a 7 year deal worth whatever he wants.
[Mark]: Saskatchwan Doom is not a valid team name.
[Ryan]: When do you sign Kabanov? We're currently in discussions with Fabian Brunnström. The city of Saskatchewan have today discovered YouTube.
Good thing we're the Saskatchewan Doom, then.
[Mark]: Still not valid.
[Peter]: What about Bytowne Senatorz?
Also, the by-laws haven't stipulated an age minimum: Are we bound by the same minimums as the NHL, or can we sign 17-year-olds?
[Mark]: In other news, the Swamp Beasts have signed Eli Sherbatov, Alexander Daigle, and Jason Bonsignore.
[Adnan]: As Ceci has signed an ELC with the Ottawa Senators, the Hamilton Maple Leaves protest.
[Mark]: Bytowne Senatorz is also not valid. Also, the bylaws do not have an age limit, but as Adnan points out, Ceci IS under contract, so that is a no-go.
[Bobby]: ZIggy Palffy has left his native Slovakia in search of some real hockey, which he for some moronic reason expects to find in the heart of the Nevada desert.
[Adnan]: In an effort to entertain the fans in this new league, the Hamilton Maple Leaves will be instituting a policy of having one player cherry picking at the opposing blue line in any tied game or game that the Maple Leaves are losing.
[Ryan]: No age limit? The Saskatoon Doom are pleased to announce the signing of Connor McDavid to a 25-year contract.
[Mark]: Okay... signing freeze to allow some of the other franchises to participate.
[Bobby]: "the Hamilton Maple Leaves will be instituting a policy of having one player cherry picking at the opposing blue line" Tell them to expect cut blocks.
[Peter]: The Bytowne Senatorz, pushing forward with their name change in protest of the PHL's ELC ruling, remain happy with the signing of Nathan MacKinnon. They also announce the acquisition of Petr Sykora and Jeff Finger. And some other guys.
Contrary to club policy, the Senatorz are releasing the terms of Finger's contract: Four years and $1.4M.
[Ryan]: As the leader of the league's worst-run team (and founding PHL member and logo designer), Saskatoon feels that it is in the best interests of themselves that this frivolous request of a name change by the Ottawa franchise would best be responded to by their best player - Nathan MacKinnon - be immediately transferred to the Doom.
This is an opinion. Not a frivolous request. But it is the correct choice.
[Mark]: As the announcements came in post-freeze, none of them are valid. Currently, the only teams who can sign players are: Seattle, Kansas City, Expansion, and Quebec City.
[Ryan]: We got McDavid in under the wire. Score!
[Peter]: The Bytowne Senatorz are lodging a formal complaint regarding the recent commissioner proclamation that our recent signings aren't valid due to the unilaterally declared signing freeze. Our GM is Dale Tallon, who still hasn't figured out how fax machines work... no more explanation required.
[Ryan]: Your GM is currently under contract with the Florida Panthers and is not currently locked out. Perhaps your GM was Tallon's former secretary.
[Adnan]: The Hamilton Maple Leaves acknowledge the fairness of the roster freeze. Here is our current roster:
Michael Del Zotto
[Ryan]: Current Saskatoon Doom roster as of the roster freeze:
Dominic Moore (available for trade)
Head coach: Dave Allison
Goalie coach: Francois Allaire
[Mark]: Current Atlanta Swamp Beasts roster as of the freeze:
[Varada]: Thunder Bay Lightning sign Ken Dryden, Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, and throw in some of those old Maple Leafs just to grind their gears. Bippy McFadden or whoever.
[Mark]: Thunder Bay has been fined a second round pick for not being able to read and realize there is a signing freeze.
[Ryan]: Can we have a Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament to decide who gets that pick? Those are stupid picks.
[Peter]: Varada's the only one among us who realizes the true marketing potential of the PHL.
[Varada]: Thunder Bay Lightning trades Dominic Moore for a second round pick.
[Ryan]: As soon as the freeze is over, Moore is ... wait, dammit!
[Varada]: You know this is how the KHL actually works.
[Mark]: Except with more money. "Thunder Bay is fined a second round pick unless $4M shows up at the Commissioner's door tomorrow."
[Ryan]: I like this league. Isn't Amelia in Antarctica or something? Should someone else take the reins of her team?
[Mark]: She's on the staff, so she gets a franchise. We'll give her the chance for an expansion draft from the other teams if we have to.
[Peter]: I knew there was a reason we "elected" you commissioner.
[Ryan]: So essentially eight of us will pick our teams, and then Amelia and the Nightmare Fairies will take part in an expansion draft? I am not relinquishing McDavid.
[Dave]: ...Holy, I leave my computer for a few days, and I miss a whole bunch of awesome.
The SnootyPants, in all of their glory, announce that they have signed Jean Beliveau to be their number 1 centre, a 4 year deal worth 10,000,000 cigarettes. Patrick Roy has agreed to be GM, Coach and starting goaltender for the franchise.
Peter Forsberg has signed a 6 year deal for the price of a new bionic ankle.
Seth Jones has signed a 24 year deal worth 240 million Q Dollars (the official currency of the Sovereign Nation of Quebec), because 25 year deals are for jokers (cough Classic cough)
Owner Dave Young has said that he intends to play on Peter Forsberg's right side, and anybody who doesn't like it can suck it.
Also, due to the nature of the shootout rules, the QSP have signed Linus Omark to a deal worth a PHL roster spot as winger/third string goaltender, to start games that Patrick cannot.
Because we believe in controversy and feuds within the team, Quebec has also signed Jeremy Roenick, though Patrick still doesn't know because of blocked ears.
As a backup goalie, Ray Emery has signed with the team for the price of media SHUTTING THE HELL UP ABOUT HIM ALREADY. IF HE HITS SOMEONE WITH HIS CAR, DEAL WITH IT.
That concludes the press release for today, but there are rumours that QSP are in talks to acquire Vincent Lecalvalier through trade so that he cant be had by those losers in Montreal.
[Ryan]: Jones is, what, 17? 18? McDavid is 15. Jones will be older at the end of his deal than McDavid will. Ergo, suck it Roy. You may be my favorite goalie ever, but I'm a better GM than you.
[Amelia]: Wow...that was a lot of emails! I'm back home now, but I think I will continue my absentee-owner streak. As long as I can have fellow Moose Factorian? Jonathan Cheechoo in my lineup, I'm gold.
And just like that, on a cold October day... the PHL died. But, oh, what might have been.