HL69 Exclusive: Trying to Trade Filip Kuba Transcript

Henrik Larsson was kidnapped from his home-town of Skelleftea, Sweden by interogative Russian authorities to demand why Larsson indeed was dissing Anton Volchenkov on the internet. Volchenkov then came to the military camp, and decided to spare Henrik and instead spy on Bryan Murray's phone calls, because Anton said "Nah hellz Filip Kuba is coming to my team, Henrik you must spy! Or footprints will find you!". So poor Henrik decided to oblige, and took notes of the conversation, here's how it went down. It all starts in Canada's Nation Capital...

Bryan Murray [Picks Up Phone]: Tim! I thoughtzz I need to trade Filip Kuba! Now!

Tim Murray [Picking his Nose]: Uncle, you have long forbidden with doom our franchise! We are doomed, why did you take Jim O'Brien and why did you trade a first round pick for Chris Campoli and why did you sign Alex Kovalev?

Bryan Murray: Aren't you supposed to be doing something, like running a franchise while I take credit for it and make stupid trades or something like that. SCRAM! [Tim runs away, crying]

[Bryan dials 408 area codde number]

Doug Wilson: Helloooz!?

Bryan Murray: Hey...

Doug Wilson: Hey, Bryan! Whazzup? Hows you doing? How's Jonathan Cheechoo over there? Listen...

Bryan Murray: Noo, I do not want Dany Heatley back! You already shcrewed me, how can you shcrew me again?

Doug Wilson: Hey, Steve Tambellini did it to Dean. Mighttt as well try it out. Plus, I'm hammered.

Bryan Murray: You drinking tonight, Doug?

Doug Wilson: Yiesssss.

Bryan Murray: Well, let me entertain you on a very valued member of our defenshive corps. Hish name is Fili...[phone hangs up on other side]...Hello? HELLO?!?

[Murray hangs up]

Bryan Murray [fist hanging in air]: Damn thoshe phone connection kidszh in Shan Joshze! Time to call Brian!

[Murray calls Burke]

Brian Burke [angry voice on other side]: Once again, I swear, if you call me one more time I will bring my truculent truck and belligerence you to your grave with my testosterone!

Bryan Murray: Uh, hello?

Brian Burke: Oh, wait, you're not Peter Chiarelli?

Bryan Murray: No, it'sh Bryan from Ottawa.

Brian Burke: Oh, haha! Sorry about that! How's it going,...wait, you're not calling me to offer Filip Kuba?

Bryan Murray [weirdly phrasing it]: Ummm, mayb...

Brian Burke: Well, if you are, perfect! I'll take him! I'll flip you for him!

Bryan Murray [bewildered]: Wait, what?

Brian Burke [slowly]: I'll...take...him...

Bryan Murray: Oh jeezhsuhs, yeshhh!

Brian Burke [interupts]: ...for...Mike...Komisarek

Bryan Murray: DEAL!

Brian Burke: Ok, let's call Gary Bett...[interrupted at other end]

Tim Murray: Look Brian, it's Tim. Screw that, we don't get a deal. You've got to excuse my uncle, he gets hyper when discussing a trade.

Brian Burke [shouting]: NO! You are not da GM! We had a deal. I recorded it! Too bad, you will never get away with this! Muahahahahaha.

Tim Murray: Do you really want me to call Pete Chiarelli?

Brian Burke [stunned]: Fuck you... [hangs up on phone]

Bryan Murray: Leave me alone Tim! I got just shcrewed me over! That dealsh wash perfect!

Tim Murray [walks away, talking to self]: Why Eugene do I have to wait for three more years, why?

Bryan Murray [takes phone again, dials another number]: Back to trading! Mushzt call Darryl!!

[Murray dials number, waits for other side to pick up, meanwhile on the other side...]

Jay Feaster [in his dream]: Mhm, Brad Richards, stop tickling me! Hee hee hee! I know I want you, now come baby to Calgary! Hee hee hee! No. NO! Brad, don't go to New York! NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[phone starts ringing]

Jay Feaster: Was I dreaming out loud again? Gosh darn it! [picks up phone]....Hello?

Bryan Murray: Hey Darryl. Hash you voice changed.? Did you get lyposhuschction. Cause if you need one, I can recommend you...

Jay Feaster: No, it's not Darryl, it's Jay.

Bryan Murray: Jay?

Jay Feaster: Yes.

Bryan Murray [delgihted]: Jay Mohr? Dude, I loved you at the Awardsh! You're like my favourite comedian.

Jay Feaster: NO! It's Jay Feaster

Bryan Murray: Oh. Are you sure?

Jay Feaster [ticked off]: YES! I am sure! What do you want buttercup?

Bryan Murray: Speaking of buttercups, you know Filip Kuba, right?

Jay Feaster [lying]: No.

Bryan Murray: Yesh you do.

Jay Feaster: No I don't

Bryan Murray [angry]: Do not lie to me! I know you know him! I know what you did lasht night!

Jay Feaster: No! Don't tell anyone about my Brad Richard disorder!

Bryan Murray: Ewww, Richshardsh....Ish all about Konopka.

Jay Feaster: Ok, so about Kuba...No.

Bryan Murray: Come on! I'll give you Kuba plushz Richardsh.

Jay Feaster [questioning]: Come on Bryan. We're both mature men to know you don't...wait...someone's knocking at the door, brb in a second!

[Feaster opens door, Darryl Sutter appears. Last is heard is a sharp distinct noise before call is hung up]

Bryan Murray: Fuckshing Shutter! Next, Shteview Y!  [Dialing Tampa Bay area code]

Steve Yzerman [picks up phone]: Yo.

Bryan Murray: Hey, Shteview Y!

Steve Yzerman [surprised]: Oh, um...[fakes recorded message]...This is Steve Yzerman, General Manager of the Quebec City, excuse me Tampa Bay Lightning. Please leave a message after the beep...BEEEPPP!!

Bryan Murray: Come on, Shteview Y. Don't kid me. I got a 10.5 GPA in Finance at the U of Dinoszaursh.

Steve Yzerman [rattled]: Um, Bryan, I'd love to talk to you, but I kind have me hands tied behind my back, literally.

Bryan Murray: Wow! Who did that?

Steve Yzerman: Stamkos.

Bryan Murray [in a smooth, silky salesman voice]: Well then, may I intereshst you in an offer. I give you the ultimate jewel defensheman of the Eighthezsh Round in the 1995 NHL Draft, Filip Kuba? For Steve Stamkos? And a pickle jar?

[Disturbance on other side, phone changes hands]

Steven Stamkos: Hey! HEY! Brian Burke, please rescue me from this shit-hole called Tampa Bay. I will do anything to play in Toronto! Just give 'em he...

Bryan Murray: No, it'sh Bryan Murray.

Steven Stamkos [awkardish voice]: Oh. You weren't recording what I was saying there before, right?

Bryan Murray: No.

Steven Stamkos [relieved]: Ahh, ok, good boy. Excuse me, but I got to call someone.

Bryan Murray: Wait, nooo! [phone hangs up on other side] Jeezhush, what am I gonna do now?

Tim Murray: Call, well, you know...

Bryan Murray: Oh yes. I must call my hero in manging shsport teams, the way to draft, trade, and shign shmart. You know Tim, I learned everything what I know today from him.  [Tim turns to Bryan, shaking his head]

Tim Murray and Bryan Murray [together, quitely]: SATHER!!!!

Poor Henrik, he lost his signal after that last word. Anton and the KGB were not impressed, so Henrik escaped out of their offices to run all the way to Skelleftea. Henrik is likely running at this very moment, running away scared. Anton has set footprints to find him, yet it is unknown whether footprints will find its own way to Sweden.

Disclaimer: No offense to Bryan Murray or Tim Murray here. The others were fully offended with intent.

This FanPost was written by a member of the Silver Seven community, and does not necessarily reflect the beliefs or opinions of the site managers, editors, or Sports Blogs Nation, Inc.

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