In the coming days, you are going to see a lot of crap flying around here about who your next GM should be. But I call it crap because we both know that's exactly what it is. I'm sorry you'll have to wade through the punks and posers who think that they can do a job to actually reach someone who can do the job... namely, me.
Let's face it: You and I are men of action, and lies do not become us.
I bring to the table what none of the other applicants can even hope to touch: victory. Not just wins, but victory. I know you know the difference. You are not investing tens of millions of dollars into the Ottawa Senators for wins. You want victory. I understand this. Victory is 23 consecutive Stanley Cup wins in NHL '96. And I did it with a defensive corps of Neckar, Huffman, Paek, Borque (not the good one), Hill, and Vial. I would have KILLED for guys like Brian Lee and Filip Kuba on that team. And I didn't win on the "rookie" setting, man. That was on All-Star, with the worst team in the game. How does 23 consecutive Stanley Cups sound to you? Good? Is that something you'd like for this team?
Well, I would too. And I can bring it to you. See... not only am I brilliant, but I'm humble. I know what I know and I learn what I don't. I'm not going to go running around spending your hard-earned money on old Russians. I'm not going to trade away my draft picks for guys I don't intend to keep. I'm not going to trade players for garbage or let them just walk out the door because other players do a lot of community work. My decisions will be grounded in reality, which will be a welcome change for this organization, I'm sure you'll agree. I will build our scouting department to ridiculously skilled levels, and I will use my J. Edgar Hooverian files on every player out there to make the best possible decisions. That's reality, homeslice.
I'm not intimidated by high pressure situations or whiny crybaby media types. I've handled multimillion dollar projects, so your money will not be wasted on confusing contracts. I friggin' own at my fantasy football draft every year, so while Glen Sather's table is panicking like it's eight seconds until doomsday, I'll be at our table sipping tea and talking with my scouting team about last night's episode of Bones. And when we pick, the talking heads will scream about how shrewd the move was. And in the later rounds, as the talking heads start to ask, "WHO?!" teams like Detroit will be muttering to themselves, "Damn, how did they know about this guy?"
And I certainly won't take any crap from other GMs. If Fat Fuckin' Burke wants to play a game with me, I'll rearrange his Fat Fuckin' Face for him. (You might need to create a bail fund if you hire me, just a heads up.) Some jackass like Kevin Lowe wants to step on the team we've built? Watch out, sucker, you're on a one-way train to Uppercut City! But that doesn't mean everything can be solved with my fists. I have a long history of making fair, but ultimately self-beneficial trades. Just this year, I turned Andre Johnson into Adrian Peterson and Arian Foster. Google that and then call or email me when you get over how impressive it is. GMs will know when they're dealing with me that I'm on the level, and if they try to mess with me, they'd better call their dentists first.
So, there you have it. I have so many great plans for this team it hurts my head to even think about them. But you have to hire me for them to happen. We'll be like the Emperor and Darth Vader. Ottawa fans will be chanting in the ACC. I'm the best candidate because I bring proven victory, badassery, and yes, supergeniosity to the organization. But most importantly, what I bring can't be taught in any college or dojo. I bring passion. There isn't anyone on the planet who loves this team more than I do. I'm sure you know heights men who are passionate about their work soar to. You only need to look me in the eyes to verify my sincerity. And then you'll know that my combination of experience and passion means that you and I, and by extension, the Ottawa Senators, cannot ever fail.
I look forward to hearing from you soon to discuss our bright future together.