Martin Gerber Syndrome

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Martin Gerber Syndrome, commonly known as MGS, is a syndrome characterized by a sudden onset of unexplained sucking. In what is a classic example of an anxiety disorder, MGS tends to manifest only in cases of increased pressure (ie. performing in front of crowds).

The condition was named after Martin Gerber, a goaltender formerly with the NHL's Ottawa Senators who suffered from a chronic form of this ailment.

Symptoms

Symptoms of MGS include slowed reflexes, especially in the extremities, impaired vision, lapses in judgement, and inability to perform typical day-to-day duties. Also manifests by causing unexplained, frequent choking.

Causes

The causes of Martin Gerber Syndrome are currently under investigation. It is strongly believed that environmental factors existing in the Ottawa Valley in Ontario, Canada are involved.

Diagnosis

Unlike many disorders, MGS is diagnosed en masse by consensus. In cases where thousands of observers simultaneously throw their hands in the air in frustration, MGS should be considered a possibility.

If the symptoms manifest more than once weekly, the patient is considered to have Chronic MGS. The prevalence of this disorder is very low, however the cases that do exist are contagious in that they cause a great deal of discomfort in those around the patient.

Treatment

While there are many dissenting opinions on the treatment of MGS, there are a few commonly-used courses of action. The first is the isolation of the patient, especially in locations such as Binghamton, NY (or any other AHL city). The second is the removal of the stressors that sparked the outbreak of MGS. The third, and most drastic treatment is the euthanizing of the patient, something many observers have called for but has never actually been done in practice.

Measurement

Martin Gerber Syndrome is measured in Generic Martin Units (gMU). These units are on a scale ranging from 0 (ideal) to 10 (dire). Day-to-day measurements typically fall within the 2-3 range, with ratings up to 5 occuring with no long-term adverse effects. Patients suffering from measurements exceeding 7 are said to be suffering from MGS, and patients exceeding 9 should be institutionalized immediately.

Historical Cases

Martin Gerber: Consistently exceeded the 9 gMU threshold

Patrick Lalime: Peaked at 10 gMU, has not fully recovered

Brian Elliot: Quickly working up the scale, currently nearing the 7 gMU mark